Why are people getting bigger whereas gadgets are getting smaller? Is there some direct ratio conspiracy at work? Out there somewhere, is there a big, gelatinous 1200lb man with an mp3 player the size of a splinter, implanted in his enormous girth, gurgling amidst the remnants of his latest supersized McDonald’s meal?

Cell phones appear to be the exception to this rule.  They started getting tiny and skinny and ridiculous then someone thought, “Ah screw it!” and started making them expand instead to incorporate lots of new things we apparently can’t live without.   Because heaven forbid your phone exists only to let you call people.  Now you can buy a smartphone like a Blackberry or a big, clumsy iPhone which will not only allow you to talk to someone in another hemisphere, but you can text mundane shit all day long, email everyone, play games and listen to your favourite songs while calculating your taxes on the bus, or make a video of your dog eating your wife's panties to delight all your friends, before checking the weather in Peru.

But really, who needs any of that?  Can’t most of it wait till we get home?  Are we so inept these days at entertaining ourselves that we need to be connected 24 hours a day?  Are we that needy?  All I really demand from a phone is that you press some numbers if you’re running late and someone at the other end answers, so you can tell them so.  I don’t want my phone and all my media in one place.  Something becomes obsolete and the whole gadget’s fucked.

Besides it’s my opinion that the iPhone is just wrong ergonomically for a phone.  It’s just shaped wrong.  See, it’s an iPod.  With a phone in it.  And it’s iPod shaped.  They didn’t think it through.  It needed more holdability appeal instead of relying on aesthetics. 

Still, it’s probably for the best that smart phones became so popular, otherwise phones would keep on shrinking until one day you’d need a homing device and tracker to even find your phone as it would be the size of a pea, would fit inside your ear and thus ensure the E.R. is constantly full of inattentive people who have seen their device slip down their ear canal into the ringing chasm of their brain.

I saw an episode of "The X-Files" recently and thought David Duchovny was lugging around a full sized armoire, but it turned out to be a mid-nineties cell phone with an antenna that could tickle a giraffe's chin. It made even the iPhone look like a tiny, delicate sliver.  If you showed Mulder something like an iPhone  he'd probably have declared it alien software and spontaneously combusted on the spot.

Plus what is with the new iPods? (And what does it say about me that all these years after acquiring my first iPod, the word "iPod" still makes me think of "IHop"?) My iPod, when I bought it, was the sleekest, sickest, most fabulous, sexy little piece of genius you ever saw. How could this tiny little thing be so sleek and little and streamlined, yet store so much music? Nowadays that first generation classic model looks like an enormous World War II tank compared to the little new slivers they make, that can not only play tunes but show video and probably tell you the number of times your heart beat increased during the season finale of "24".   You could prop open a door with my old iPod.

Nowadays there’s the iPod Shuffle, which isn't much bigger than a postage stamp.   Hell, I once couldn't find my rental car, there's no way I'd ever be safe around that thing.

What’s with people these days being tasered to death?  Or is it “tased”?  Can we agree on a verb and stick to it, please? 

It seems like people are dropping like flies at the hands of over-exuberant cops who think Tasers are toys.  It’s as if they know it’s not a gun therefore they can be as trigger happy as they please whenever they can’t be bothered arresting someone that involves a little effort.

It’s still a mystery to me how something that shoots electrified darts at a person can be considered at all humane or legal in any circumstance except a very dire one when there’s real danger.  I mean, I’m all for someone like say…me…tasing some enthusiastic would-be rapist in the nutsack in a dark alley if the need arose, but I do think those devices should be a worst case scenario tool, reserved for those occasions someone is presenting a clear danger to someone else. 

But it seems hardly any ‘tasees’ are all that dangerous.  Half the time they’re unruly 12 year old schoolgirls (dude, really?  You can’t get a 12 year old girl under control without shocking the shit out of her?), eccentric, cantankerous old geezers who couldn’t outrun a milk float and the occasional oblivious, anti-establishment hippy. The actual criminals that end up on the receiving end of a tasing are normally angry, shouty people who aren’t so much a danger as just pissed off.   It’s become like a power tool – you try to state your case or stand up for yourself or even just mouth off – none of which are illegal – you get your ass fried.

We keep being told Tasers aren’t dangerous but all these people keep popping their clogs regardless.  Could it be because you’re really not supposed to shoot electricity into someone’s heart 20 times in a short period without expecting some adverse reaction?  Isn’t that just common sense?   I object to this practice.  There needs to be regulation that prevents this blatant torture.  Unless you’re being confronted with a threat to your person, put that crap down and do your job in a civilized manner.

Random Related:

Uno

Dos

Tres

Cuatro

Cinco

* I should point out here that not all cops are Taser-happy idiots, but there’s a significant number who are and they seem to be growing.

I caught a few minutes of that ginger moppet Regis’s show “Who Wants to Be A Millionaire?” tonight while channel surfing. I don’t like game shows but I do like trivia so I paused for a few moments to watch.

Now the thing with trivia is, I don’t necessarily think it’s linked to intelligence. It’s about luck. It’s more about what you know and don’t know based on life observations and facts you pick up here and there and the odd piece of deductive thought.

For example...

you might know all the intricate ins and outs of the periodic table but not know the name of the latest Adam Sandler movie. There’s a big element of chance involved and very little actual skill.

HOWEVER, if you are on a game trivia show and you get a question that asks “Which of the following four of Earth’s oceans does NOT have the equator running through it?” and one of those four options is “the Arctic” and not only do you not know the answer but have to ask an entire audience for help, then I’m sorry. You should not only forfeit any money you’ve won but you should have to PAY the show for hosting your dumb ass in the first place.

And possibly be pelted with tomatoes by the audience.

And shamed on the national news. Because you are plainly a dumbass of the highest pedigree. I don’t give a shit how bad your geography is, if you have any logic at all you can figure that out.

For the record, the other oceans were The Atlantic, The Pacific and The Indian oceans. Sometimes I want to reach through the screen and strangle people. Is this natural?

OK, I have something to say on this whole Obama birth certificate nonsense, because honestly, it’s starting to piss me off.

The man has produced a birth certificate, claiming he was born in Hawaii – a certificate that has now been confirmed and authenticated by experts, can’t everyone just shut the hell up now? Isn’t there important stuff to do instead of all this bickering about stupid things like this?

And so what if he had been born in Kenya – who the hell cares? This whole “you must be born in the United States to be President” rule is bullshit. The guy’s mother is American, he grew up in America, he is a U.S. citizen, that criteria should be quite enough, regardless. What happened to qualifications for the job?

And what about Army kids born overseas to American servicemen and women? Sure, they’re considered Americans right off the bat but you can bet your ass their birth certificate still says “Germany” or whatever. Are they eligible to become president some day?

People need to just shut up, stop trying to find any reason they can to invalidate the President and get on with doing something for their country. I don't care if you're Democrat or Republican - there was an election, Obama won, let's move on.

I will mention something else that pissed me off in relation to all this, and I don’t want you all taking this the wrong way, but I was pretty pissed off by this quote from White House spokesman, Robert Gibbs.

"But I have news for them and for all of us: The president was born in Honolulu, Hawaii, the 50th state of the greatest country on the face of the earth. He's a citizen.”

American politicians who are completely flabbergasted and sulking over why so much of the rest of the world seems to hate America? Let me enlighten you. Quotes like that are exactly why. There’s nothing the rest of the world likes better than being told some other country thinks they’re better than you. It's not jealousy, it's annoyance. Having lived in various parts of that world, I can confirm that people resent the living hell out of this. I’m not debating America’s a great country, certainly, I know I love it, but there are plenty equally awesome countries out there too, who’re just as civilized and technologically advanced as the U.S. It might seem like a small deal to you Americans out there, but believe me, this kind of thing is NOT helping international relations.

I’m not a religious person, I think you all probably figured that out by now. “God” is something I yell when I realize I’ve forgotten to buy toilet paper again and even then, only when I’m in a good mood. I’m an atheist and happy that way. However, you know what I’m getting tired of? God getting both the credit and the blame for just about everything. It’s starting to piss me off, even if, technically, it’s giving me the perfect excuse to be an asshole by claiming God made me do it.

And I’m not talking about THIS GOD , I’m talking about the big, invisible dude who resides in the clouds.

Cases in point; tragedies or sad events such as, for the sake of currency, Michael Jackson’s death. I noticed on the news that one of the vast Jackson entourage, at his memorial death-fest the other day, said something, amidst sniffling, along the lines of, “I don’t know why God had to take our brother Michael so soon.”

Hmm. Here’s the thing, guy. I don’t think God had much to do with that. Drugs, leech-like idiots, crazy bad decisions and Michael Jackson were responsible for that little event. God didn’t personally feel like staging his own private Jackson concert in the clouds or anything.

And remember last year, when that plane crashed in the Hudson river in NYC? Everyone proclaimed that a miracle! No, it’s not a miracle, it was down to a talented pilot making good decisions. Did everyone say “Thanks to our amazingly calm and skilled pilot, we’re all alive today!”? Well yes they did, but they also said things like, “God was sure looking after us today!”

But here’s the thing, buddy. No, he wasn’t. Do you know how many people are in the world? Something in the region of 6.7 BILLION. Now do you really think God even KNEW you were on that plane? Do you think he has nothing else to do but follow your itinerary and catch things falling out of the sky? There are entire nations ravaged by war and famine but he decided to scoop you up and prevent a nasty encounter with the Grim Reaper. I’m thinking not.

If God’s really doing all the stuff he’s credited for, he’s truly a selfish God, don’t you think, selecting random people for life or death like plucking blackberries from a bush.

Still briefly on the subject of the moronic media, comes something else that incensed me a bit. The press seem unable to be dignified in any manner when it comes to photo publishing, all for the sake of sensationally garnering readers (think of the photos of an unresponsive Michael Jackson on a stretcher, for example, that surfaced the other day).

I'm not a huge fan but I am actually pretty sad that Michael Jackson has gone to the big Neverland in the sky. But hey, perhaps he'll find that missing white glove up there?

Do you want to know what's bothering me this week? Well wonder no more because I'm going to tell you.

I hate mosquitoes. I truly do. While I'm hopelessly against killing living creatures without a damn good reason, I can see no reason to keep mosquitoes around. What are they even for? They have no redeeming qualities at all. Sure birds eat them, but they eat a lot of things, surely dropping mosquitoes from the menu isn't going to hurt anyone?

Have any of you wonderful people seen THIS?  It’s quite amusing and crazy and funny and having worked as an executive assistant, I can verify, people like Betty here, do actually exist.

For the most part assistants are like a little club.  You’re a solidarity; a society of like minded individuals who know what each other are dealing with on a daily basis and who will do their utmost to help each other out.  I had a ton of assistant acquaintances all over the world – all lovely, funny, smart, helpful and willing to bend over backwards to accommodate your needs.  No, not in THAT way you dirty heathen. 

But then once in a while you’d come across someone like the lady in that article.

If you go by a certain form of your name and someone else uses a nickname or other incorrect version of it, by all means, point out the name you use and move on.  Happens all the time.  Do NOT initiate an uptight 20 email chain, chiding that person for their mistake, especially when that person apologizes profusely for getting it wrong SIX TIMES.

Enjoy.

You know what? I'm a social person. I am. I'm a social person with anti-social tendencies. I'm perfectly friendly and fine talking to anyone who might strike up a polite conversation in the name of every day niceties. I'm not going to walk away snootily and blank you. I won't look at you like you just farted in my face. I won't bark some obnoxious comment at you to make you feel uncomfortable or make you look stupid.

Gilligan over at Retrospace posted this meme and since I’m a giant THIEF, I went over and stole it.  Because I haven’t completed a meme in weeks and the world might end.

This meme’s right up my alley since it’s about things you hate and as you probably gathered, I hate just about everything.

Not you though, you rock.

Let us commence:

1. Most Hated Food
Eggplant.  Honestly, eggplant is the Devil’s food.  I gagged just saying the word.  I love the COLOUR “eggplant” though…

2. Most Hated Person
How long do you have?  I’m going to go with Sean Hannity.  I can’t even find the words to convey my hatred for that man.  I can’t listen to him for more than ten seconds without wanting to punch his lights right out.

3. Most Hated Job
Hmmm.  Anything where you have to deal with people all day long in a customer capacity.  That or working with Sean Hannity.

4. Most Hated City
You know Birmingham in England is an ugly-assed city.  I’m sorry Birmingham but you are.  I mean the people there were wonderful and vibrant and lovely but the city itself?  Concrete hell.  I’m not just bitter because I got lost 17 times because I had “roundabout confusion”.

5. Most Hated Band
Again, how much time do you have?  Let’s go with Creed.  Yeah.  Let’s.

6. Most Hated Website
If Sean Hannity has one (and you KNOW he does) it would be that one.  I don’t even have to see it to know.

7. Most Hated TV Program
I hate most TV shows.  I REALLY hate “Two and a Half Men” and “The Big Bang Theory” though. 

8. Most Hated Movie
Anything shot in black and white where two Frenchmen argue, fervently, about a piano for two hours, in French.  Or practically any Will Ferrell movie.

9. Most Hated Artist
Any pretentious idiot who puts a lacrosse net on a cow’s head or something similar and calls it “art”.

10. Most Hated Book
The bible

11. Most Hated Shop
Abercrombie and Fitch.  It should’ve died with “Dawson’s Creek”.

12. Most Hated Organization
Scientology.  Followed by any legit religion.  Followed by Disney.

13. Most Hated Historical Event
The time Jamie Matthews stole my lunch money and wiped a booger on my back all on the same day.  Oh, 9/11 sucked a lot too.

14. Most Hated Sport
Football.  Eff that noise.  Either American football or soccer I don’t care, they suck equally.

15. Most Hated Piece of Tech
I hate cell phones.  More accurately, I hate the people who need to use them every two minutes like if they don’t they might explode.

16. Most Hated Annual Event
Winter.  I know, I know, I see the irony in living in one of the coldest cities on Earth, believe me I do.

17. Most Hated Daily Task
Getting up.  Really. I hate getting up.  I’m a-okay with getting down though.  Wink. 

18. Most Hated Comedian
Larry the Cable Guy.  Although don’t you have to be funny to be considered a comedian?  I’m pretty sure you do.  Therefore I’m not sure he qualifies.

Things I'd like to say "FUCK YOURSELF SIDEWAYS!" to today:

1) Tailgaters: If you insist on driving right up my ass, I reserve the right to stop my car, forcing you to stop yours, at which time I will get out, yank open your door and pound you in the nuts till you pass out. Or your lady bits, I don't discriminate.

2) Tabloids: All those tabloids yelling "TERRORISM" every time there's a tragedy of any sort. Like the recent Air France disaster. I read one tabloid that said an Air France source practically confirmed (anonymously OF COURSE) that a bomb almost certainly went off. Naturally, everyone else is reporting no terrorism appears to be involved and an explosion is unlikely.

Alright...you know something?  Every time I sit back with a cup of hot coffee ready to derive some guilty pleasure from my favourite online gossip site, I get derailed with irritation from one small fact;  I do not give a festering bull's testicle about anything to do with "Twilight", "New Moon" or Robert Effing Pattison.
Case In Point